Fighting Demons

     I have said before that I started this blog for more than one purpose.  Ideally I want to share about our missions journey with friends, families and even strangers in hopes that God uses it to show how trusting Him is always the best route....not easiest....but definitely for His greater purpose.   But I also started writing this as a journal for myself.   This post may be a little differently from my other's because I'm not really sure where I am going.....I usually have a point that I'm trying to get to but as of this second I just need to write and try to make sense of what is going on in my head.  Hang on tight....this may be a bumpy ride.

     Let me start by saying I am just at the tale end of recovering from Dengue Fever.  If you haven't heard of it....look it up.  And pray....hard....that you never experience it.

      I am finding myself in a dark dark place since I was hospitalized for it a week ago.   As a nurse I am the first to admit....I am a TERRIBLE patient.  I'd like to think of myself a tough and having a high pain tolerance....I gave birth 4 times for Pete's sake...haha....but after a week of fever, headaches, body aches, EXTREME nausea, vomiting, being poked and prodded every time you turned around, trying to use a toilet with NO seat and understand doctor's and nurse's who speak limited English, worrying about my baby girl that came down in Dengue.... and to add to all that....I had really limited knowledge of what Dengue even was and what to expect....what our platelet and WBC counts were supposed to do and when was it "too" low.  Even with all that, I tried to talk to God as much as I could.  I asked Him why He made mosquitos numerous times and to please let me baby girl be okay.  He didn't answer my first question but in His Mighty way He covered Maddie with His healing and she fortunately came through without experience many symptoms.  Thank you God for answering my prayers. 

   I have had so many people praying for our recovery.  So many new friends in the DR, missionaries from the States and Dominicans both came in and prayed with me.  I have so many people in my life from back home sending messages and love.  These are the times that make you understand how fortunate you are to have such a support system.    One pastor that came in said, "My wife looked on facebook and said, Jenny has a lot of people that care about her!"  I will NEVER forget that!  I am so so blessed to have the people that God put in my life.  I have NEVER spoke a truer statement than that one.

  

     So why am I still in this dark place?????



     My first day in the hospital, before Maddie was admitted...I had a roommate.  Her name was Miriam, she was from Canada.  She had been in a motorcycle accident and had a pretty bad case of road rash.  She was a complete mess on the outside and I was soon to realize what a mess she was on the inside too.  Miriam liked to talk.  She told me how she loved adventure.  She said she travels all the time but this was her first visit to the Dominican Republic.  She went on the brag that she had travelled here with 5 guys from Canada that come here every 2 months and stay for 1 week ....for the Chicas.  My heart sank.  They come here for the prostitutes.  She went on to say that her best "guy friend" that she travelled with is kind of like her boyfriend in every way except physically because she isn't his type.  He was very short and skinny and he likes girls smaller than him.  Miriam told me she has a guy back home that meets her physical needs and this guy buys his girlfriends here so they get along GREAT this way.  I wanted to puke again.  She also proudly told me about another guy that was with them that the reason he visits the DR every 2 months was that his girlfriend had died of a drug overdose.  He had become very depressed and suicidal until his first trip here.  Now....his life has a purpose.....to hire prostitutes.  As I listened quietly, because I couldn't get a word in and because for the first time in my life....I didn't have any words.....all I could do was pray.  God please...give me the words, use me to show these people that these "Chicas" are someone's daughter, sister, mother!!!  Help me make a difference.  Before I knew it....her guy friends came in....took her out for a smoke....and the next thing I knew....they wheeled in a new roommate.  I'm not sure what happened to Miriam but I was SO greatly relieved.  But the dark cloud hung in the room and in my head and still continues to stay there.  I didn't say ANYTHING!  I didn't help! 

   So now I sit with the thoughts in my own head.  Thoughts of just how broken people are in the world.  Thoughts of how fortunate my life is that I know God and LOVE the brightness and joy and happiness only He can bring and now I have an example of how people life can be so empty and dark and lost without Him.  So like I try to do in EVERY situation good or bad....I need to learn something.  So what I have learned is that people need HOPE and MERCY and LOVE and GRACE....they need JESUS.   Because I can't imagine this dark cloud that has been clouding my thoughts could be anybody's eternity.

    So please continue to pray with me for the lost and the hopeless.  And pray that as my strength in my body returns it also can renew the strength in my mind to keep fighting a very hard fight.